“… Don’t you hear my prayers?
… Do you hate me?
… Are you punishing me? …”
Those were the words I kept asking God when He once refused to answer my prayers. Back then, the only thing I could ever imagine to happen with my future is that I become a chemical engineer. Nothing else I ever wanted.
Going to college, the first two years was a challenge. With the math, physics and chemistry put all together in the same semester, I was shaken. I started to wonder if it was just normal. “Are my subjects really that difficult? Perhaps I’m just not that smart to digest everything as much as my friends do”, I thought. But I would tell myself, “God brought you here and so He would definitely never leave you. He will help you all the way to the finish line, just do your part.”
The third year came, there was chaos down the city and in the neighboring. Buses were burned, people were used as human shields during the shootout. University guards and dormitory curfew became stricter. It was messy and I messed up too. I failed two of my subjects. I lost my scholarship. I broke up with my boyfriend. I asked, “Is God watching me? Does he know my pains and struggles?”
On the second semester of the same year, I decided to move to the different campus of the same university I study. Since I was a transferee, I was entertained last. But, I was optimistic I will be admitted to the same department I had. I was confident God will find a way for me. I was pretty sure, God will listen to me because I prayed for it and God put me here, so it will happen the way I still want it.
“Sorry, we no longer accept transferees. All slots were already taken, but you may enroll to another department.” I stumbled on my knees. “Oh no! This can’t be. This is out of my plan. This is not what I asked God.” I spoke to the chairman and asked her if she could make an additional slot for me. I was desperate. I even cried in front of her; I just could not help it. I cannot stop my tears; they kept falling one after the other. But, she remained bold not to give me a slot, to be fair to the other applicants.
My dream was gone. My future was vague. I won’t be a chemical engineer anymore.
“What will I do now?” engulfed with anger, I asked God. “I thought you are okay with my plans. Don’t you hear my prayers? Don’t you love me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Do you hate me? Are you punishing me? What went wrong? Why is it happening? Are you testing my faith? Why?”
I hated God. I felt like he ruined my life. I thought I messed up, but He should not have allowed it to happen. He should have guided me. He should have made me smarter. He should have given me a second chance. He should have let me start all over again.
My heart was broken. My spirit wanders. I did not know what to do.
While I was sitting in one of the corners inside the college, one professor approached me. He asked me if I would like to enroll in their department because they still have slots available. Anyways, all subjects I have taken before will be credited. At first, I was hesitant. I was not familiar with the course. But, I had no choice because enrollment was almost over, so I did enroll in their department. Thanks to that professor who helped me, I can still be an engineer. He was an angel in disguise, I thought.
The year passed by and I eventually became comfortable with the course. I was amazed at our lessons and just became interested in it. I got new friends, became the department president, involved in school activities, I enjoyed it. Also, I survived my subjects though there were many sleepless nights. “God has a purpose for everything and maybe this is His purpose for putting me here”, I told myself.”
Senior year came. I was appointed as an editor of our school paper. I received educational assistance from one company used to who hires our graduates, also where I had my on-the-job training. That money helped me in finishing my thesis. Just two months before the graduation, the same company offered me a job. Finally, though I did not graduate with flying colors, but I received three different awards during the graduation ceremony, for my involvement in different school activities. Now, I already have a degree in ceramics engineering.
“So, this is what God has prepared for me. Wow! This is amazing! This is more than overwhelming. This is just beyond my imagination. They are just better than what I wanted. ” After a year working in that company, I moved to one, then to another one. Now, I am happily working in a company who gives better compensation than the other, and with people whom I admire and treasure a lot. I am happy and feeling contented.
If God did not lead that professor to ask me to enroll in them, I might not have gotten the chance to participate in different activities, and receive awards. I should not have received that financial assistance which helped me finish my thesis. I should not have the work waiting for me to graduate. I should not be where I am right now. Worst, I should have been unemployed until now or not a board passer. Until now, my life still would have been miserable.
We all have our own plans, but God has His own too. And, God knows what is best for us. There are times that we do not understand His will but have faith. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
God planned my life. You too, God has prepared something better for you. He has a plan for you, plans that will only be made perfect with you. Patiently, learn to wait and trust His purpose.
He might have refused to answer all my prayers, but he never failed to surprise me with a better tomorrow.